Category Archives: Uncategorized

r/awww was not amused

Thomas Edison electrocutes a dog. This is from the a scene in the movie The Mysterious Mr. Tesla.

 

The Mysterious Mr Tesla Thomas Edison kills a dog

Here, we see Thomas Edison electrocute a dog

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5 Funny Jokes – Kinda Dirty

The child looks at one of the pens and says, “hey mom, what’s that?”, the mother replies, “oh that’s an elephant”. Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks “what’s that under the elephant?”, embarrassed the mother replies, “oh that’s nothing”. The child then walks over to his father and asks, “Dad, what’s that thing underneath the elephant?”, his dad replies “That’s the elephant’s penis son.” The child said, “Well mom says it’s nothing”,the dad replies, “Oh, how I spoil that woman”.

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though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

at 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“i have a better idea,” she replied. “just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“wow! that’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“good,” she replied. “get your own fucking blanket.”

after a moment of silence, he farted.

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She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room…. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that, too” she replied softly…

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

 

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So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he’s got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there’s a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there’s this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he’s gotta go rent a limo. But there’s this huge line when he gets to the limo place.

Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it’s the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there’s this huge ticket line at the door. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, “I’m hungry,” so he goes to get her some food, but there’s this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they’re dancing again and she says, “Now I’m thirsty, can you get me a drink?” So he goes to get her a drink and there’s no punchline.

 

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We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ”Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee…”

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

“My doctor told me no more heavy lifting.”

Funny 911 Call

A few weeks back, some old guy got into trouble when he called a 911 dispatcher for a non emergency about his erection.  Though the exact message of the sure-to-be hilarious 911 call isn’t available, I went ahead and recreated the most likely of scenarios.

 

 

How To Get A Girl – A Single Man’s Guide To Impressing Girls

1. How it feels sometimes when trying to get a girl.

impressed woman

Tread lightly. Though she looks harmless, she’ll snap your neck like a slim jim.

Personally, I’ve always enjoyed the hunt for women. Getting girls has always been fun.  The experience itself is rife with uncertainties. Will she respond to me? Will she crudely reject me? Will I cry? Typically, the answer to all three questions is yes. At least in my case. I think it’s because I’m getting to old for the “cold approach” style of bar pickups. I’m at the age now where you should have enough friends who know you well enough to set you up with someone. This is a very important element of most friendships. My mindset tends to be like, “Sure, I enjoy being your friend and all…but you sure as shit better hook me up with your wife’s super hot friend.” Sometimes the friend is a masseuse. Jackpot.

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2. Got a girl’s attention? Now it’s time to impress her with my dance moves.

So now you got her attention? And now it is time to move yourself into “seduction mode.” Sometimes I get lucky and actually do pretty good at this. I’m not saying I’m a casanova that drives a sweet nova, ova’ here, but I’ve pulled my fair share of love strings in my day. I typically go to gay bars with my friends who are women.  I wonder if my single guy friends are aware of the fact that super hot single straight women go to gay bars with their gay friends. And you know what else? If you can convince her gay friend you are a good guy and that she should talk to you, then YOU. ARE. IN. Holy shit, I’m not even close to joking on this one.

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3. Impressing women with my muscles.

Studies show that women are attracted to muscular men? As if we needed a freaking scientific study all the way from UCLA to verify that obscenely obvious statistic. When was the last time your anorexic emo buddy got laid? Women love strong men. Tough men. And hairy men (shout out to my Russian babes – Ya tebya lublu). So get yourself to the gym. You’ll love it there. It is a long, constant stream of awkward extended eyecontact. Yoga pants are like christmas wrapping paper to a guy, and the gift inside is usually a ho, ho, ho….amirite? AMIRITE!??!!  *Note: Women love Bill Clinton jokes.

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4. You need to isolate her from her douchey, friendzoned third-wheel guy friend

Holy hell I hate this guy.  Like, really really hate him.  You’re working your ass off trying to get a girl and he’s not having any of it.  His mindset is usually “If I can’t have her, no one will!!!!!!! Argh!!!”  And I’m not even overdoing those exclamation points.  Poor guy doesn’t realize that he waited too long to pull the fricking trigger.  He definitely had the chance to get with her, but his wimp-ass pussy got in the way.   I can understand some guys in their earlier years of women gathering getting friendzoned.  When we are young, we haven’t realized yet that women don’t want pussies, they want guys who can articulate exactly what they want, even if it means you might get rejected.  Some guys are afraid of this moment because they don’t want it to seem like they want you for just a relationship.  Why?  There is nothing wrong with that.  If you are attracted to a girl you just met and are hanging out, you need to make a move on the first date.  Just a small one. Nothing big.  Ask to move in or something.  Something subtle like that.

Isolate the douche or end of like this man.


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5. Lie

I typically tell women that I’m the heir to a small fortune.  Nothing too big. Something plausible in a middle class world. Maybe my father owns three small jewelry stores?  Maybe he owns a company Wendy’s franchises?  All those bring in major bucks.  Make sure you wear a flashy piece of jewelry, like a watch or something.  Being able to read time is an tool used by evolution to weed out people who rely on a public bus system to survive.  Your command over time will impress her primeval instincts and your seed will be showering the hotel room in no time.

Utilizing these ideas will surely get her your arms in no time. Just in time for you two to get bored of each other. Which will result in a heart wrenching breakup. And then we can repeat the cycle.

Happy hunting!

5 Funny Songs About Sex

1. I Just Had Sex

Artist: The Lonely Island featuring Akon
Released: May 2011

“I Just Had Sex” was written by The Lonely Island during the winter of 2010. The comedy troupe, in the same fashion to the recording process for their debut, Incredibad, rented a house in Los Angeles and created a makeshift studio where they would record songs from that album.

The music video for “I Just Had Sex” features Akon, Andy Samberg, and Jorma Taccone singing about how they just had sex with their unsatisfied girlfriends played by Blake Lively and Jessica Alba. The music video takes place in New York City atop a building with the backdrops of the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building and the cityscape. Various other locations such as a park, a household, a bakery, a bathroom, a museum, a pub, and a girls’ changing room are shown. The song briefly features John McEnroe and Angela Howes. Fellow The Lonely Island member Akiva Schaffer, who directed the video, also makes several appearances. The album’s title is referenced when Jorma sings “she let me wear my chain and turtleneck sweater” while showing him wearing the same outfit that appears on the album cover. The music video ends with the trio launching fireworks from their crotches, parodying Katy Perry’s “Firework” music video.


Buy I Just Had Sex

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2. I got it from Agnes
Artist: Tom Lehrer
Released: 1981

Songs & More Songs by Tom Lehrer is a reissue of musical satirist Tom Lehrer‘s two studio albums (Songs by Tom Lehrer and More of Tom Lehrer), combined with other studio sessions and a newly-recorded version of “I Got It From Agnes”. “Agnes” was a song from Lehrer’s early live repertoire which he “polished up” for the Cameron Mackintosh-produced musical revue Tom Foolery in 1981, but which Lehrer himself never professionally recorded until 1996.  The booklet notes include an essay by Dr. Demento and the original sleeve notes from the LP releases.

The material from Songs and More of… were the original versions self-issued on Lehrer Records, the 1966 Reprise rerecording of Songs not considered for the reissue. Although More of… was originally released in both monophonic and stereo versions, the producers of the reissue opted for the mono mix.

Buy I Got It from Agnes

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3. The Sex Positions Song
Artist: Rod Rocket and the Action Boys
Released 2009
Dr. Demento first played The Sex Positions song in 2009.  It follows the comedic list styling where the artist memorizes a ridiculous amount of names for a topic.  Tom Lehrer’s The Elements is another example of such a style of song composition in the comedy world.  The Sex Positions song became a featured song and top play on the Dr. Demento show and has also been played on the Free Beer and Hot Wings show.
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4. The Assumption Song
Artist: Old English Tune
Performed by Bob Saget

The Assumption Song is a form of Mind Rhyming.Mind rhymimg is a kind of substitution rhyme similar to rhyming slang, but it is less codified. In mind rhyme, an intended word remains unsaid, and is “heard” only in the listener’s mind. For instance, in this traditional example:

“Roses are red and ready for plucking / She’s sixteen and ready for high school.”

The text initiates a possible rhyme which is completed by the reader or listener. Unlike rhyming slang, where the discipline of lexicography is possible (e.g., “dogs” or “dog’s meat” has traditionally signified “feet”, in a multitude of contexts), mind rhyme is a one-off. In no other linguistic situation than in this immediate example will “high school” mean “fucking.”

Another example, in the context of cheerleading:

“Raa Raa REE! Kick ’em in the knee! / Raa Raa RASS! Kick ’em in the other knee!”

Often mind rhyme is used to circumvent a taboo and, if anything objectionable is communicated, it occurs with the complicity of the listener. It adds a phonemic dimension to uses of double entendre. This taboo avoidance game with the listener has been described as “teasing rhyme”. Such teasing rhymes have been popular since the 17th century. Bob Saget performed an example of such a song in 2007.  An extract will illustrate the technique:

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5.  A Letter To My Penis
Artist: Rodney Carrington
Carrington’s first album, Hangin’ with Rodney, was released in 1998 via Mercury Records Nashville. This album, composed of both standup comedy and original songs, contained the non-charting single “Letter to My Penis” and peaked at #73 onTop Country Albums. He moved to Capitol Nashville for his next album, 2000’s Morning Wood. It was his first Top 20 album, and it brought him to the singles charts for the first time with “More of a Man”, which reached #71 on Hot Country Singles & Tracks (now Hot Country Songs). After it came the live album Live: C’mon Laugh You Bastards, which did not chart.

Carrington’s third release for Capitol was 2003’s Nut Sack. It included the single “Don’t Look Now” which reached #60. A Greatest Hits package followed in 2004. This album comprised selections from his Capitol recordings on two discs: stand-up routines on one disc, and songs on the other. It also included his first non-comedy song, “Things We Didn’t Know.” Also in 2004, Carrington made his acting debut in Rodney, a sitcom based largely on his own life which aired on ABC for two seasons. He released King of the Mountains in 2007, and in 2008 he appeared in the film Beer for My Horses.

Buy A Letter To My Penis