How To Get A Girl – A Single Man’s Guide To Impressing Girls
1. How it feels sometimes when trying to get a girl.
Personally, I’ve always enjoyed the hunt for women. Getting girls has always been fun. The experience itself is rife with uncertainties. Will she respond to me? Will she crudely reject me? Will I cry? Typically, the answer to all three questions is yes. At least in my case. I think it’s because I’m getting to old for the “cold approach” style of bar pickups. I’m at the age now where you should have enough friends who know you well enough to set you up with someone. This is a very important element of most friendships. My mindset tends to be like, “Sure, I enjoy being your friend and all…but you sure as shit better hook me up with your wife’s super hot friend.” Sometimes the friend is a masseuse. Jackpot.
2. Got a girl’s attention? Now it’s time to impress her with my dance moves.
So now you got her attention? And now it is time to move yourself into “seduction mode.” Sometimes I get lucky and actually do pretty good at this. I’m not saying I’m a casanova that drives a sweet nova, ova’ here, but I’ve pulled my fair share of love strings in my day. I typically go to gay bars with my friends who are women. I wonder if my single guy friends are aware of the fact that super hot single straight women go to gay bars with their gay friends. And you know what else? If you can convince her gay friend you are a good guy and that she should talk to you, then YOU. ARE. IN. Holy shit, I’m not even close to joking on this one.
3. Impressing women with my muscles.
Studies show that women are attracted to muscular men? As if we needed a freaking scientific study all the way from UCLA to verify that obscenely obvious statistic. When was the last time your anorexic emo buddy got laid? Women love strong men. Tough men. And hairy men (shout out to my Russian babes – Ya tebya lublu). So get yourself to the gym. You’ll love it there. It is a long, constant stream of awkward extended eyecontact. Yoga pants are like christmas wrapping paper to a guy, and the gift inside is usually a ho, ho, ho….amirite? AMIRITE!??!! *Note: Women love Bill Clinton jokes.
4. You need to isolate her from her douchey, friendzoned third-wheel guy friend
Holy hell I hate this guy. Like, really really hate him. You’re working your ass off trying to get a girl and he’s not having any of it. His mindset is usually “If I can’t have her, no one will!!!!!!! Argh!!!” And I’m not even overdoing those exclamation points. Poor guy doesn’t realize that he waited too long to pull the fricking trigger. He definitely had the chance to get with her, but his wimp-ass pussy got in the way. I can understand some guys in their earlier years of women gathering getting friendzoned. When we are young, we haven’t realized yet that women don’t want pussies, they want guys who can articulate exactly what they want, even if it means you might get rejected. Some guys are afraid of this moment because they don’t want it to seem like they want you for just a relationship. Why? There is nothing wrong with that. If you are attracted to a girl you just met and are hanging out, you need to make a move on the first date. Just a small one. Nothing big. Ask to move in or something. Something subtle like that.
Isolate the douche or end of like this man.
I typically tell women that I’m the heir to a small fortune. Nothing too big. Something plausible in a middle class world. Maybe my father owns three small jewelry stores? Maybe he owns a company Wendy’s franchises? All those bring in major bucks. Make sure you wear a flashy piece of jewelry, like a watch or something. Being able to read time is an tool used by evolution to weed out people who rely on a public bus system to survive. Your command over time will impress her primeval instincts and your seed will be showering the hotel room in no time.
Utilizing these ideas will surely get her your arms in no time. Just in time for you two to get bored of each other. Which will result in a heart wrenching breakup. And then we can repeat the cycle.
Posted on June 19, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged comedy parody satire jokes funny haha, how to get a girl impressing women a single man's guide to getting girls get a date now psychology of love. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.